According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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