Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
