He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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