I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
