It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My liver just had a heart attack.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
