He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
