I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
