WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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