i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
