I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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