its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
