I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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