he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
