Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
