apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
