Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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