My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
pray to the hookup gods
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
