I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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