tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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