Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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