Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
