so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
