I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
