i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
