dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pants are for mortals
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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