I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
do herpes really smell.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
