When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
