i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
