you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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