Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
