So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
