I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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