Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
