did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
