my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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