i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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