I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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