If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
