I need to stop coming to work sober
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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