Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
