it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
