Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
