Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
