What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
