My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Randomize
