I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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