I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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