is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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