I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
