The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
