I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
