im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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