That's when you crack a 10am beer
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
