I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize